Wednesday, December 25, 2013

December/Latest #ridhwannabes Tee Updates



In camp.

Nope, not gonna end there. (though it is pretty obvious nothing special I did cause I am stuck in camp)

I have learnt that December is the best month. Not just Christmas. It is the last month of the year.
It is where you would think what you have done, what you have both gain & lost, and knowing what you really want and accomplish. You should be thinking this every single minute of your life, but sometimes we neglect the importance of having a clear mind, and always distracted by the heart. 

Most of you guys fall into either of these categories:

1. THE MOST FAMOUS LIFESTYLE; didn't do shit this year, just "nua-ing" and rotting. Nothing bothered you, nothing much gain nor lost. The stagnant one

2. THE LOST ONE; feelings are uncontrolled, impulsivity, confusion, or lack of  determination & passion. Having shit piling up into a mountain, or a hole dug deeper till the core of the Earth.

3. THE ACHIEVER... A + B = C; right atttitude + right behaviour = first in character. Let's just say the they are going higher every moment, in any pace.

I must say I fall into category number 2. Yes. Feelings had the best of me. I can say all the shit that has been thrown at me, but HEY.. I believe that God would only give the shit that He knows you can overcome. Can grow from. So I must say, I did a lot of reflection, and I am taking it all on me. 

It is not easy this year. Really. Enlisting to National Service, not able to keep my career going by landing into another movie, not able to have my relationship controlled, which also led to the hacking incident despite my intentions were to stand for the right things.

All I had is to have the right intentions. But my actions, my words, were so devoted to my feelings, that my head was not thinking about consequences at all. The word "consequences" was as if deleted from my dictionary.

To be a soldier, a role model, a boyfriend, brother, son, friend, colleague ... being under the limelight, facing all the insults by myself, being only 20 & ambitious.. it is hard, but I could have done better. I wouldn't say, "I don't deserve so much shit" cause I would hate it if all that didn't happen at all. As much as I thought I had lost a lot. Friends, trust, some fans, but I have gained knowledge, experience, and have clearly understood the importance of knowing the consequences. I am still fortunate, I ain't dead. I am still earning. Living. Breathing. I still have people around me. I am not alone. And I have myself standing strong and embracing every single thing in the past. No regrets. 


20. NS. A time where I am changing from a boy to a man ... man I will have to be, for the rest of my life. I know the light is bright in the other end of the tunnel. And I hope you guys can learn not just from me, but with me. Cause I do learn from things from you. Every one of you that I encounter in my life. Be it if we never knew that well or we had a relationship or we still do.. people you meet in your life either change you, or you make a change in their lives. Big or small, don't stay stagnant.

So to close this blogpost, let me say, more videos will be up soon. I promise you 2 originals before #ridhwananbes flea which is on the 08.02.2013 (45 days to more)


THESE ARE THE MEASUREMENTS. $39.90 each.

Venue: S*cape@2nd floor
Date: 8th February 2014.
Time: 12pm to 5pm.

Those who pre-ordered ($20 transferred on February 2013), just collect it on that day. Names are on a list posted on this page earlier. Pre-orders has long been gone. Please LIKE my comments below this post, on this page, accordingly to the preferred sizes, based on the measurements. There will be a lucky draw on that day. Stand a chance to win a surprise. So more shirts bought, more chances.  #YouCantGetRidOfThisOne SPREAD THIS AROUND 


PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE COMMENT ON THIS POST WHAT SIZE. AND SEE THE CHART AND MEASURE YOUR BODY LENGTH. Don't ask me "11 years old what size?" cause all 11 year-olds have different body size -.- PLEASE COMMENT, cause I would not want some you guys to come and the size you guys want is out of stock.

For those who pre-ordered, COMMENT ALSO. And just come, I have the list. Don't worry.
And if you guys can't come, what are friends for right? :)

For the ones staying in Malaysia/Brunei or etc.

Email me at ridhwannabe@hotmail.com cause it can be delivered to your country, BUT EMAIL BEFORE 5th Jan :) More details will be mailed to you.

So yea, Merry Christmas & a Happy New Year. To all my friends who stayed with me, all #ridhwannabes that I very, very, very thankful for and special thanks to my family & my bestfriend Jianhao Tan. I wouldn't make it without you :')

Sunday, December 8, 2013

Mistakes

So, Little India had a riot. I am not gonna blog about it. Go read the news.

So people start thinking it is right to make funny tweets about it. 
The nerve of some people in this generation, making a joke out of something that could jeopardize our country's security. Shame on you. Then after a while they stop. And haters saw that I coincidentally posted a cover, of Lil' Wayne's How To Love, and they think I was trying to feed on the tragic news. Really? It hurts to see, at this point, where I am trying to clean up for a pleasant ending, despite the epic journey it has been, people are so heartless. I meet a lot on strangers on the streets. Mostly families with children would be happy to see me. Wave and smile to me. #ridhwannabes , don't need to describe them. And they are not tentatively 12 year olds. Like how the haters like to say. I have seen elderly people who really admire what I do. And I am heartened with their support and enthusiasm. I just hope our society can mature. Learn. I am learning. I make mistakes. I admit, and get back up right after. Example: Why did I voice out to the AnonymousSG? They were influencing he weak minds of our youth. Breaking chaos in not just the cyber security, but also the society. Weakening Singapore's psychological system. I may not have the right words. But I am not a trained public speaker. I am just being myself, a normal teenager, who thinks such negativity has to stop. Now #SGRiot.. Lives are in danger and parody accounts feeding to get RTs and followers? Stop tackling every trend. Be a trendsetter. Not talking about me. But make something positive trend. I trend lame stuffs, I admit. But it is for entertainment. I can take a photo of a toilet bowl in my Instagram and get on popular page, so I deserve to be insulted that much? I trend, cause of #ridhwannabes . All fans, supporters, that look up to their idols would want to spread his or her name across social media. And it comes to Dee Kosh, who possibly could lose his job after he claims he tweeted something racially insensitive and gets flamed. I insulted Dee Kosh indirectly by answering an Ask.Fm question. That was bad. But I was just being straightforward. I thought it has always been like that for Dee. But Dee fought back, and sucks that he hates me. While I am saddened by the outcome. I don't like his ways. He doesn't like mine. He talked shit about me when my account was hacked. I didn't do anything back. I don't like to make enemies. Singapore is very small. Life is very short. Even for Tzire. Ask him, how times I tried to talk things out? Who didn't want to compromise? I am not sucking up to Dee when I gave him a sincere and good tweet. I think he was not being racist. He was trying to be funny. And yea, wrong timing. Just like how my cover was blamed to feed on the #SGriot . I mean, I know how it feels. I have done a lot of mistakes. The most I think out of all the onlince personalites in Singapore. I tried to explain, admit and apologise, but haters will always be there. This. Is. Because. Of the society. They are like me and Dee Kosh. We all are in the same society. We just play different roles. But the society as an overall has to mature. Especially some of these "keyboard warriors". Stop judging. Stand in someone's shoes. Do some positivity. You see something fucked up? Then don't say it's fucked up. Don't swear it. Learn from it. If you can, advice it nicely. Do positive things, think positive thoughts, be around positive people. And yes, I know some of you think.. "Ridhwan, you are bla bla bla bla..." I mean, do you even know me that well? I am not perfect. My actions are amplified. I am known for many bad things. But at the end of the day? When you contribute to that hatred against me? Do you know how much it hurts? I am hurt. Yes haters. I am cry. What? Don't be a celebrity? You think I wanted this? I wanted to make videos. Sing. Entertain. Not this nightmare, of being judged always. Make friends, earn enough for my family, and always have something for those who believe in me. Hate never, love another. And to the hacker. I am not being ironic. You have fuck up my relationship with my ex-girlfriend. My career. My pride. My rice bowl. My life. My everything. You have receive nothing compared to what you did. To both Asyiq Bin Tahir, and Azhar Bin Tahir. I pity you. Why did you do it? For Luna? Was it worth it? Why insult the Government? Work hard. Your dad is working hard too, driving his taxi. He cares for you, fetching late at night when you have no transportation home. Think. Learn from your mistakes. I won't humiliate anymore. Waste my social media. I will just see you in court. And for your other friends who are not charged, what goes around comes around. I realised I have a lot of people I hate. I see people hate others on the Internet. And that's why I made this post. The change has to start from me. Forgive my haters. Hate never, love another. And it is okay to make mistakes, just get back up again.



Latest cover, subscribe!

Tuesday, November 26, 2013

#ridhwannabes FIRST FLEA

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

What The Hack

So most of you guys know, recently, I got all my accounts hacked on the 5th of November.

My Hotmail, Gmail, Youtube, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, and Blog... I had lost access to it.

Anonymous SG had hacked my accounts, to show their power, and defacing my Facebook and Twitter, giving the the haters what the have always wanted.

It was a feast for these sadistic people, as they claimed that I deserve to be hacked.

I deserve such treatment? I deserve to be insulted like that? That satisfy you to see I had lost one of my strongest assets, my social media?

So these supporters of these hackers, claimed that I deserve it after I had raised my opinions.

My opinions were not respected by the hackers and their supporters even though they claim to let everyone, the netizens their own rights. I couldn't understand why some haters see me as a "small fry" and a "small actor in a Local movie" but possibly seen as a threat to this unknown group which claims to make a positive change in the netizens life, furthermore, changing the whole economy of the nation.

I am not being rebellious. But what made me had to give a say on this issue is, how kids do not understand things, and give a 100% support. I know who I was facing. I laid my social media on the line. Potentially, my a very huge part of my life, just to try a had my opinions be spread across. I see how kids saying; "Hope they hack my school system and raise my GPA" and how with one snap, Singapore has failed to show one of the 5 important defenses to maintain the prosperity of Singapore.. which is Psychological defense. All these youths, think that I don't know what I am saying, when they are pissing me off of what they are saying.

I must admit, even though we are living in one of the richest countries in the world, it is pretty hard to survive here. But the Government has helped us a lot. We have made this small island into a prestigious metropolitan, that other nations look up to. Just treat the Government like your parents, how they make your teenage life tough, with the restrictions and expectations they have. But they know best. They are humans. And your Mom and Dad may make mistakes, don't earn much and have to cut your allowance, or not fulfill their promise to bring you to Disneyland.. but that doesn't us the right to go against them. It is wrong, morally.

On the other hand, I hate it when haters think every single news they hear about me, is a publicity stunt. Come on, how smart do you think I am? To create such video, faking an identity, going against my own country, just for more fame? You ask my friends, I don't even know how to use photoshop. I use paint. I don't know how to edit my videos. I ask for my friends help. I am a locally know Youtuber, but my videos don't come fast, cause I got too many commitments, no camera, and no Macbook or laptop. My handphone changes every month, due to my financial difficulties. I am trying my best to make more income to support my family, grow my savings, and use what I have then rather not what I don't have.

I have a lot of problems on my own, which sometimes I believe if I can't solve it, maybe telling about it a little, would make me feel better. But I don't wish to have pity nor sarcasm. Don't tell me your life suck even further. Don't tell me what I can't right on my social media. And never tell me you "used to know me", cause I don't even know you. You may remember my name when were in the same school, met less than 20 times in my whole 20 years of living me, but I know very well who knows me in detailed, have watched me grown, and still watching till today.

I believe my followers, subscribers... are people who are interested in my life, feel that my work or just my presence, have made a change in them, as much as they have made a change in me. I don't get it how people can follow or subscribe to one's social media, to get every chance to bring him or her down. How pathetic is that?

A recent Facebook post I wrote:

"I can't see the fact how people judge others so much, and so quickly. 

A judge in court may be hating his job, but doing it to feed his family.. 

but some people nowadays may have the time, to follow someone's social media, just to get every chance to bring them down.

Even the mightiest doesn't judge as much and as quickly as you humans.

With that effort, dissing and criticizing.. how about divert it to advice him or her, if you do know them well and know the situation well.. or ignore, or just maintain being the self proclaimed better person that you are. You are that perfect aren't you?

Is there a need to even correct his or her grammar? English teachers do that to pay their bills.. you? Can't comprehend it, then ignore, unless it is specifically for you.

I am tired. Not trying to explain myself. But to see this whole year, seeing how social media works for youth nowadays. Come on, I judge, I comment, but be tactful. I know what I am doing. What I have done. And most importantly, what I am gonna do. But do you guys really know if I asked you better humans the same?"

I was pleased. There were nobody trying to piss me off with some comments that I usually see in every of my posts.


I am not doing this for attention. I am doing this cause I got a freaking blog, a freaking Facebook, a freaking Twitter.. for me to write or do my own shit, like how others. And how social media are meant to be like. To express yourself. 

Don't like what I say, you think you are a friend to me, they say how a true friend would do. Wishing people what they truly deserve, is not truly what helps the world ard us in my exp. First we have no access to their thinking, motivations. I'd leave that bit to the respective powers of the universe that (i'd like to think) work independent of how we with our individual inclinations think others deserve in life. It may be more constructive to work on positive influence as a means to affect certain things that may not be right as we see them. Most of all, enjoy your day!

P.S - The Government didn't pay me to do this, it is because I have a heart and a mind. And I am not being against the Anonymous SG. But for what I did, and what they did to me ( deleting all my videos, defaming me, intruding my privacy, effecting my reputation, my opportunities, destroying me totally) do you think is fair? I have made my security tighter and the police are watching, doing their investigations. Signing off. What the hack.. I mean heck.






Sunday, November 3, 2013

November Now+K-Pop Insanity


What has happened, what's suppose to happen, and what will happen.

What has happened, is firstly.. last two posts were very personal to me. Gave you some insights what it was for me in the past, cause I wanna share. Not trying to get sympathy, nor tryin' to challenge who has a darker past, but I just wanna share to people who wants to know more about me.

Been coping well, ever since my girlfriend left me for good. I still love her. And yes I was mean, but I have better things to do now. I have done a lot, though nothing has been ever EVERRR appreciated. Love yourself, and then love others. I have been neglecting myself too much. And yes, some #ridhwannabes saw it, some don't need to know.. just know that, when you are hurt and feeling so down, cry and get back up. Don't bring yourself even lower, by staying hurt or hurting yourself.


NS is fine, what is not fine is time. Hair is growing too slow. Time is running too fast. It's November. A year has passed. Gotta end with a bang. Or start firing up for the next following year. Don't aim next month or next week. Aim far.

And my Twitter followers are decreasing everyday, but I don't give a shit... that much. Cause all I need is one person to believe in me. And also me to believe in myself. Its your decision.

Time is ticking. Hope for the best, and look forward.... LIKEEE

The insane line-up of your favorite K-pop idols in MBC Korean Music Wave 2013 which will be held HERE IN SINGAPORE!! At The Meadow, Gardens By The Bay on the 16th November 2013.

Who is coming you asked?

SISTAR

GIRLS' GENERATION

4 MINUTE

2PM

2AM

TEENTOP

SHINEE

MISS A

KARA

IU

B.A.P

EXO

B1A4
FT ISLAND

I am excited as you are, so I hope to see you guys there too :) Yup, I will be going there :) I gotta meet 4 Minute's Hyuna, EXO's Sehun (I wanna see his hair), and also SISTAR!! *melts* It's gonna be unforgettable, incredible, and all the adjectives that ends with "-ble" to descrive awesomeness. SO get your tickets now, cause it's first-come-first-serve basis, and it's running out fast! This will be the first time more than 70 K-pop artists  sharing the same stage in Singapore, the most numbers of acts on a single event by far. This will be the event that will make Singapore the destination of Kpop live music in Southeast Asia.
Here:

SeatingPlan(6oct)
Ticket Price
Hill 3 – SGD168
Hill 2A & Hill 2B  - SGD 188
Hill 1 – SGD238
Premier – SGD268 (Selling Fast)
Platinum – SGD368 (Selling Fast)
Super VIP Experience Pacakge – SGD688 (Sold Out)
SUPER VIP Experience Package SGD688 that includes:
•Best View, Best Atmosphere - Access to Super VIP mosh pit on event-day
• No queue – Flash pass and get escorted into venue by the event crew
• Access to Rehearsal Session – First time in the history of concerts held in Singapore, Super VIP pass-holder is allowed to access the rehearsal session on the evening of 15th Nov 2013.

Online Ticket Sales @ singtic.com

The easiest way to purchase tickets is to purchase it from  our e-ticketing partner [Singtic's website www.singtic.com]. Singtic accepts payment via Visa or Mastercard credit card/debit card and  eNets account. Upon purchase, you can print out your Singtic E-tickets and get admitted to the venue, there is no need to exchange for physical tickets.

Physical Ticket Sales Locations (Singapore):


1. TicketBooth @ TicketCube, Orchard Rd (in front of Takashimaya)
Operating Hours:
Sundays to Thursdays: 10.30 am to 9.00 pm
Fridays, Saturdays, and Public Holidays: 10.30 am to 9.30 pm.
2. Other Ticket Booth Locations
Ang Mo Kio Hub, Centure Square, Downtown East, GreatWorld City, Happy Days, Tanglin Mall, The Star, Scarlet City, Union Square, West Mall.
For more info on TicketBooth outlets, please visit www.ticketbooth.com.sg
3. All Sistic Ticketing Outlets
Sistic ticketing outlets through out Singapore . Please refer to www.sistic.com.sg
So I will continue with my life posts in the next post perhaps. For now, do stick around :) #ridhwannabes
.. I wanna be fine, I will be fine. I wanna be better, I will be better. Here is Ridhwan's Best Video Ever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hXEEA-WEATc





Friday, October 25, 2013

My life. All the shit. - CHAPTER 2: Little Ridhwan

Continues from previous post... My life. All the shit.|

CHAPTER 2: Little Ridhwan


You all might think, going through divorcement is just signing of some papers, as easy as it sounds like, its not. These marriage of two people from two different worlds, who went against their parents, started frokm nothing and only after a decade of building a castle, and now its time to demolish it? It was heart-wrecking.

Yes, Dad confessed he wanted to make the maid his second wife. Polygamy was legal, but its rarely a woman would share his man. Before that, they had much quarrels, and trust me, it gets so aggressive that the police would visit my house more frequent than the pizza delivery guy. All I can do is cry and cry, as I watch them strangling, shoving, slapping, head-butting, screaming, breaking things, throwing things.. and now it comes to an end. There was so much going on, but I more or less knew more than my other two little siblings.

Both fought over possession of property, fought of maintenance fees, and most important of all; the children. I could decide, but my little siblings could not. And parting from them was even painful than anything else. My brother was lured with toys and my sister, she have not learn how to talk properly. There were times I would not see my siblings for months or even more than a year. Mom tries to snatch sister, then Dad snatches her back. I was in Junyuan Primary School, and was tranferred to Lianhua Primary School, then transferred after a week back to Junyuan Primary School. Then right before PSLE, I ended up in Balestier Hill Primary School. A lot of moving around, it was due to the constant quarrels as they process the divorcement. Mom had to find brother at school just to see him, but orders were to not let her. And there were times, I had to even hide my temporary residence to not let my Dad find out where we were staying. And I was so mad at him when Dad tries to stalk me, and I showed him a middle finger at the age of 9. Anger grew more and more, as Dad was never there. It has always been work or sleep. Though I didn't understand much, I knew I blamed that for everything at that age.

For that time being, my current Dad, was a simple man, who seems to be sincere to my Mom. Did you know, the first time they went out for a date, I was there? We watched Spiderman in cinemas, and I was pretty sure, he was the missing piece my biological Dad never filled in.

I do love my real Dad, but that anger, of him never being there for me. So what if he guided me with my homework? I never comprehended any of his style of teaching. Maybe I was not as intellectual or a efficient as him when it comes to studies. But what I needed, was love, a fatherly love. And I could see more in this one now I am with, I feel more worth to call my Dad.

As the Mansionette house, was with Dad and that stupid bitch, my current dad ensured we had a shelter and food. Be it staying over grandparents' place, or uncle's or aunt's place.. or even the parking company's van at the near the garbage chute, as the 3 of us sleep in it, he tries his best. He may not be an RI student, he may not have a degree and was that stable, but he has a heart and he was responsible.

I have two fathers to learn from in my life, what kind of father would I be to my son in the future. I have always wondered about that.

*Come back another time for more chapters of my life. I have a lot more to tell. So stay tuned.

Saturday, October 19, 2013

My life. All the shit. - CHAPTER 1: How I Was Made

My life. All the shit.
 

It can't be summarised in a post. I can remember every single detail in my life. Not exact dates, but some events that lead to another event that lead to another till where I am today. I wanna tell the world the story of my life. Okay, not the world maybe, but I like to dream big. Not that I think I am that outstanding, but this urge to tell some of you guys there about what I had been through. It may amuse you, inspire you, disappoint you, give up being interested during half-way of reading about my life, but I would love to share and express it. Someone out there wants to read it, either to expect something great or poor from me, I don't really care. It's my story, and it started way before I was born.

CHAPTER 1: How I Was Made

Mom and Dad, met when they were working in a known hotel in the city. They were young, in their late teens still.

Dad got her Mom's attention with he walks like some bodybuilder; having the finest athletic body as he was active in rugby and track & field, back in the days when he was in school. He was a study freak but also a sporty guy. Graduated from Raffles Institution and had full grasp of almost everything that was of his potential. Except he is a little weird when it comes to socializing, be it to guys or girls. Always thinking that there was competition everywhere and was on his feet to the slightest politics that is in every field he was. A filial son, and is so confident about everything that he appears cocky among his peers. His only weakness would be his family, especially how strictly he was brought up by.

Mom was different. She was given away when she was brought to this world. Had no proper family there for her when she was growing up. She had been abused always and been taken advantage of when she was around 10, and had so many godmothers, as she was passed around. Though her slim figure could allow her to join a beauty pageant when she was around 18, she had low self esteem, being too skinny and flat chested, despite passing puberty.

They went out, they fell for each other and it was love indeed. I remembered how my mom told me, that he would ask my mom permission, even if it was to hold her hand. A first date that seem so perfect and as time goes by they fell more deeper for each other.

When Dad was in Singapore Polytechnic, something unfortunate happened. All because the two lovers were forced to be apart, as my Dad's mother, didn't like my Mom. My dad was not feeling right, thinking right and soon, something so not right had to happened. He got into a motorbike accident. Someone called my Mom, who was trying to control her heart that was longing for Dad. Little did she know, that her plight was about to get to another level higher. She answered the phone, hearing from the unknown caller said that my Dad was sent to the hospital and all he could do was, to murmur repeatedly my Mom's name, hoping that if he would make his last breath, it was my Mom's name.

These two lovers were strong even if they had no support from their families and had nothing. Can you imagine; running away from your families, sleeping at the back of the gym in your own polytechnic? Sneaking away from the security, climbing fences, saving up with part time jobs? They saved and got married, and got 2 room rental HDB. That was where I was born and first stayed. It is demolished now and the area now belongs the huge ass 'Pinnacle" is at currently' at Cantonment. At Dad's mom still hate that grudge even when my Mom took care of her like no other daughter-in-law would do. My parents build their life together, with Dad coping with work and finishing his degree, and after keeping strong that marriage for around a decade, with then 3 children, and finally upgraded to a 2-storey-mansionette at Tampines, Dad had to make the biggest mistake in his life.

My Mom became stronger then she was in her teens. She looks so much curvaceous, and have made every person she met in her life, appreciating her presence and remembering her deeds. My Mom has made many smiles, and gain much respect by even a fellow stranger in the streets. But for Dad, he didn't do that well. He became a monster due to his ego and foolishness. Not many around him liked him, as much as he thinks everyone around him was against him. It was not just having competition, but he had became insensitive and he los this heart. From a study freak, he became a workaholic. He neglected time with family, and thought being stable financially was the key, but it was the start. That wasn't even the huge mistake. The huge mistake was, having adultery with the Indonesian maid in the house. Our maid.

I lost it. I lost focus of my studies. For the first time, my report book had read lines, telling me I had failed some subjects. I never got lesser than Top 5 in class, and I never had the courage to stand up to anyone. I was known to be a potential victim of bully. But after weeks from that huge mistake Dad made, how Mom got crushed, how I couldn't do much but to watch everything falls apart, I changed. I was so mad that once, my Dad wanted to see me in school, with tears streaming cause I was infuriated, I showed him a middle finger to him in front of my teachers.

At that time, I had to stand for my Mom, while my two younger siblings were too young to make decisions and were staying with Dad. Mom and me, was taken care of my current Dad, who was not as educated as him but much caring and gives the attention from a father I never had.


*Come back another time for more chapters of my life. I have a lot more to tell. So stay tuned.


Saturday, October 5, 2013

Flaws



Flaws.

I have been reflecting time and time again about. Stoning for hours, and even days. Literally stoning, not even a small movement made while doing so. Not even a glimpse on the watch nor on the phone. Seeing how day became night and eventually becomes day again.
Realisation seem to show a bit of complacency, but to reach this mark its not what many have reached.

Irresponsible.
I must admit, I am lacking in it. The lack of responsibility, not just in work, but in my social norms. What I should be doing or shouldn't do? What I should or should not say?

Insensitive.
Yes, one of my policy is plain honesty. But it has boundaries that should be taken seriously. Not just words, but gestures too.

Impatient.
I now can understand how people who don't seem to get satisfied with my atrocious ways of doing stuffs, but I myself, is just the same; human.

These 3 are the main points. That is killing me. I am the designer of my own catastrophe.
Its like a snowball, everything links up. Everything is equally killing you, affecting you and important to you. Like I say, though realisation of flaws don't do shit, some cant even accomplish that step. Now, I am trying my best, to avoid practising these flaws. Problems can't have solutions of the time, but they can be controlled. Taking control. Making decisions. Making time.

This blogpost could have been more detailed, but for now, I shouldn't try to say the wrong stuffs, the unnecessary stuffs, the stuffs that just wouldn't make the points clear. So #ridhwannabes , flaws that you know can be changed, change it.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Hey guys. First and foremost, let's say it's September, 2013 is coming to an end, and ever since I met Jianhao exactly one year ago on the 2nd of September, its been one awesome journey and its not gonna stop so soon. And when I did met him for the first time, I was bald, and now I am bald again, for the REAL "Ah Boys To Men" A.K.A. National Service. At this moment, I admit, things are not going fine. Everything seems so shaky, not clear, weak, false and disturbed. Not just NS, many other factors; scars that still hurts with the slightest touch. I am gonna be okay, I am always going to make it. I am still the positive character that I have always believed in myself. Nobody knows who you really are, nobody can bring you down no matter what. You are either your best friend or worst enemy. I know what I want, what are my responsibilities, but I admit, I need help, support but most importantly, I need me. I need to do. "To the ones who were crazy enough to think they could change the world, are the ones who do" - Steve Jobs I want to make a big positive change in the society and me. That's why I am not dead. P.S - Sorry to make everything so general, and sorry for a short post.

Saturday, August 24, 2013

Change

So right now, I am finally serving my National Service. I must say, I am still trying to accept the fact that its my responsibility, just like other Singaporean sons, and it would be good if I take pride in it, instead of being so bitter about it. Been a shitty week before enlistment. To top it up, my parents didn't send me to the enlistment. It was my bro, Jianhao. Damn weird, damn sad but also damn touched. Jianhao was talking to me like a dad, asking me "get familiarise of the place" as he sat beside me as th bus drove in the camp. Laying low is not easy, even when my funky hair is chopped off. Thanks to the army theme movie that most of the people who knew me from, I have tons of attention, which most of them are unwanted. Yes, at that time, that very moment, I couln't embrace it. It was horrible. I admit, ever since that incident "Ah Boy To Men actor hit girlfriend", I can't take pride in my work. I can't look up in the public. At first, all those attention I usually get from the movie and Youtube videos, that was already too much for me. I am shy, as much as I seem to be thick-skinned and outgoing. It takes alot of me to be that goofy guy that can make you guys entertained. I do this for a living. To pursue what I have I am passionate in. As much I sometimes wanna give it up, I can't imagine if I had never chose this path. Really hate it when people think, I am "walking like a big fuck", "arrogant" and shits like that. Fucking hate it. And when I tell them about my humble background, how I have climbed from shits like how my degree holder father decides to throw away that relationship that they have invested in for more than a decade for our Indonesian maid, how I grew up seeing violence, how I had to mature and stand by my mom, living the hard life and people think, "OH, don't do all these then, get a proper job" or "don't ask for pityness". These people don't know shit. I know that's how the society work, but I am not giving any hesitation to put this small effort to NOT EXPLAIN FOR MYSELF, but to voiceout for those who sink into a simillar mess like me. And trust me, as much as how I hate judgemental people, I judge too. BUT BUT BUT!! I don't bring someone down, till they are so fucking close to their graves, and this was just for something that isn't pleasing to know about you you bitches. It may not hurt, annoy or do whatsoever shit to you DIRECTLY and you are NOT involved AND you don't know this shit first hand (and social media platforms are SO FUCKING NOT) but you act as if you are liable to get in this shit together, and worsen it further. Chill, think, judge and comment, but use some heart if you are the better human than the one you are vigorously bringing down.

I am fine. I am doing better. I must say I died, and now I am back stronger. It's like a bouncing ball, throw it hard dwon to the ground, it will shoot up and straight to face before zooming up to the sky. Either me and Luna together or not, I think you guys shouldn't know. Get a life unless you admire my work, you're one of my awesome #ridhwannabes , then I am fine to share with you more about me. I may not have alot of fans, I may not have a big role in the movie, the movie may not win an Oscar, but to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU who supports me, love to know how I am doing in my lives, giving me just a bit of hope that this skinny, poor, pathetic Malay boy can make a difference in the society, I can't describe to you how thankful I am. To those fuckers who insult any of you for standing for me, you can shoot them back or whatsoever, and know I am thankful. I must say, when I succumb to all those insults, gave in to them and fuck myself up. Admitting to my large scale of audience, a mistake that I regret so fucking badly, I didn't expect anyone to have my back. Really didn't know it will turn out that way. Up till today, I keep thinking about it. I have a mind to think. I read indirect comments on Facebook, stares in public, and those daily insults I get directly when my social feed is about something totally different. Word spread to others, claiming I give "bad media" but the thing is this people just can't let go of some topic that is so hot as mine, so thank me, admire me, cause for my shit, you guys get something to write about. You haters can feel better for once, and bring someone down, lower than whenever you have always been and always be at.

I am not trying to feed you haters cause you guys will still take a bite on me either if I ignore or have moved on, but yea, I just gotta say out what's been in my mind. I am still driven, thanks to my friends who didn't pick sides, to fans who didn't lose faith in me, and to my family that will never give up on me. My passion drives me. My love drives me further. And also my brother, Jianhao Tan. Guys, don't insult her, don't be like those hooligans. We're better than that. Dont blame it on Luna. Don't insult Luna. Don't say nasty things about her please. Say it to me, but no your limits cause I don't owe you shit and you don't know in this shit.

I learnt something which is really crucial. About change..

Change is inevitable. Uncomfortable. Some have difficulty in accepting and adapting, while some never stop fighting against it.

Change is necessary for someone, as he or she changes as times goes by, to what they really meant to be.

Change someone is not possible, and shouldn't be attempted. You can touch someone, but make that change if they don't choose to. It's up to them.

Change. Meeting someone would either changing you, or you resulting him or her to change.

I will never want to change things; stop doing what I love, stop being with my bestfriend Jianhao, family, and all #ridhwannabes . NS has changed my lifestyle. Its uncomfortable, really. But I guess I have to adapt for this change. and up till today my love for Luna, the girl you guys keep mocking me with, "Eh Chris Brown" and shit.. is not gonna change and I don't want to. I am afraid it would. They say "it's us against the world". This time, I am doing it literally. Not only against those haters of mine, but to the loved ones who would never want to see another occurence of being in such a shitty state. This time, its gonna be different. Not saying we won't quarrel, but I am working hard. Some would say she is stupid, or I am stupid, but I believe pople who are not in this story of just me and Luna, and coming in like they know alot, those people are fucking stupid. So just carry on with your lives, not to late to find one.

It's hard.
It's already hard to feel for a girl when you know deep inside you are nothing.

It gets worse when you don't treat her well due to my emotions; jealousy and anger.

It gets worse as you realised you just fucking slapped her. Looking at the scar right after, you feel like just hurting yourself more.

It gets worse when you feel more unworthy, compared to the first time.

Worser as the whole World knows about it and starts slamming you hard.

Worser as you see gets sadder and weaker, when all you ever wanted is to make her happy.

Worser when I have to thicken my skin, destroy my ego and pride and submit myself to her for another chance to win her heart when the first chance was already impossible.

And now I continue telling you guys, either yto those who like my work, heard just my worst, or whatsoever.. I want things to get better. I want that kinda "change". And I aasking you guys, if there would be a necessary change in yourselves, handle it well. Let me at least feel I am worthy to make a positive change in your lives, even if it's a smile, or a share of this post, or just a short realisations that you guys can relate to, cause all I ever wanted is to never let my limitations and past, making a positive change within the crowd. That will never change. P.S - I am fine. Trust me, staying just "fine" ain't my thing. Lots of love to all of you. Jianhao. Luna. Family. Friends. Ridhwannabes.

Tuesday, August 6, 2013

Red One


People still can't get it.

Time is ticking. NS is near, 20th August. Now I just gotta make the best use of my time. Its Hari Raya's eve. Selamat Hari Raya to all my muslim friends. I felt it was a meaningful Ramadhan. I learnt a lot.

I wanna focus more on my family now. I realised I have been lacking in focusing on my responsibilities at home though it never slipped out of my mind. It's tiring. Juggling here and there. But as the tough get's going, the going get's tough.

I realised a new medium I am comfortable, to express myself. Writing. Come on, when was the last time I used a pen? I kinda miss school. Working life sucks trust me. But after NS, that's when I can use again these brain juice of mine. I was a geek when I was in Primary school. Studying is nice. Really! Its safe, prepare for tests and score them. In life, you won't ever imagine the surprises that can cheer you up and also surprising things that will screw you up, more surprising than a zombie apocalypse.

I will find time to write more, make videos more, do what I love and love what I do. I won't die, though I had the most horrible week in my life. But that is the most horrible period so far. There is still more to come in life. 20 is a very young age. Not an excuse to make a mistake, but I must say I have achieved a lot at this age. Not complacent, but I am humbled to where I have grown. Life is beautiful and I hate people who uses the term "FML" for the most simplest things that bring them down.

Anyways, gonna end this post with a high note. I am not okay. I am not that happy. I am just telling you, I am lving my life how its supposed to be. Selamat Hari Raya and Happy Birthday Singapore.

Saturday, August 3, 2013

I Love This Girl


For the last time, I slapped my girlfriend, there's no reason anyone should hit girls, and this blogpost is not to cover my ass. I love her.

How I fell in love with Luna.

I never knew that night, a night I thought I would regret would be a night that means a lot to me. I met you; Luna Princess. I was late, and wasn't even planning to show up because I didn't have much belief if anything would happen between us. It was a random date, and as usual; Ridhwan has always been known for one thing. Not for his fame. But him not affording almost anything. And I came there with just ez-link that has a value of $5, and trust me, that is the richest I can get on an average day. So I reached there late, and we had to take a cab. I was trying hard not to show that I couldn't afford the cab by suggesting to walk, but it is obviously ridiculous. Eventually we did take a cab, me, her, and also her friend. She paid the cab and we started the night. Not much of chance for me to do much cause her friend was a barrier between us. Not long after, the barrier was away, and  interacted. It felt easy then what I expected. Despite our shyness which was shown in each others' eyes. I must admit, she was looking fine. But the most that got to me, was those eyes. Those eyes totally locked me in. And there it was that awkward question; "do you like me?", she asked. I wasn't expecting such a question and I answered "did, for now". Breaking a girl's heart was not my thing and I really did like her a lot at that very moment but wasn't trying to keep hopes too high and make it any cheesier if I would say it with "for now". And soon it was time to call it a night. Wasn't looking forward to it, and my plan was just to wait pathetically for the bus. However, from nowhere, she surprised me even more to have breakfast with me. In the cab, which I obviously can't afford, I was feeling super shy and super contented. Wasn't even worrying about how the heck Ridhwan is gonna afford breakfast! And when we got there, she bought 2 sets of Big Breakfast. I was speechless. Touched. Guilty to have expect so little from caring lady like her. We ate and I feel deeper for her. And out of my creativity and randomness, I sliced and arrange my meal into "I <3 U". I was impressed and surprised by myself. Part of me felt that my move was lame and cheesy but then again, it wasn't me. It was my heart that did that. After eating, we just drowned in each others' presence till it was time to apart.

That whole chunk you just read,
 was the only thing I can recall to make me happy nowadays. From that first day with her, we dated as I get to know her, and I learnt that her Grandma means a lot to her, and she promised her that her Grandma would see her grow up and be somebody, on stage, and be well-known among the crowd. I know many thinks she was leaching on my fame, a social climber and shit, but the thing is she isn't. She didn't want to watch Ah Boys To Men because she didn't like Noah Yap. She doesn't care about local Youtubers as much as International ones. I got to know how she had a rough past, how she only had that circle of friends to depend on when she was on the edge of breaking down. And it came across my mind, to help be better, starting from her image, to dress appropriately and start making better videos. 

Her videos were okay, but I wanted the best out of her. And I know what kind of videos will make it or not. I also learnt that her past with guys she dated were not nice, her friends, and she was a patient of depression. Thus, without thinking well, I felt the strong urge, that huge courage, to give her something look forward in life.

I was glad she finally agreed, after much persuasion, she took a step, became a bubbly and sweet looking girl, and I was overwhelmed. My fans now became her fans. Her videos are tremendously found well. Finally, a chance for her to shine and maybe make her Grandma proud one fine day. 

I am poor. I am so called "famous" but I am from the Ghetto. I lived life the hard way. Going out to places, for my own errands, by foot. The truth os sometimes I beg for even 10cents, scroll down my contacts and call the person I am meeting with the public phone cause my phone can't call. I keep hydrating myself with the tap water and would eat a meal a day if I am lucky, which is at home. At this point, I have a lot of projects, mostly is for passion. I live up to it fully. I do anything just to follow the heart. And this time my heart wants the best out of this girl, be it how her past was horrible and so on.

I always thought from the beginning; the beginning of everything, is that I am too poor for any girl. I can't buy her meals too, don't need to go on to flowers and teddy bears. I thought if we were to have an argument, it would just be about that. But then it wasn't. I feel that I am too poor for friends, after school, watching movies and shit, wasn't my thing. Up till today, especially with my bro, Jianhao, part of me don't feel good, accepting deeds and all. 

Anyway, one thing i find fucking ridiculous during our relationship is her ex-boyfriend. He was one person, that I felt was always being an unnecessary addition in this relationship of two. I have close friends, a best friend, normal friends, but don't think they should text everyday. I swear I didn't text any girls and even let her scroll my Whatsapp freely anytime. I tell her all my secrets. Plus I gave her my social media account passwords, all of them. But she thinks it's fine for her, to let her ex kiss her forehead in front of me, hold his hand, have a say in everything we do, he is always number one. I can't even imagine how I could adapted all these while, letting her hurt me even more. She claims that's her best friend, like how I have JianHao, and not discover the world with me and make new friends. And the thing is, this ex she has will do every single favor for her. Fetching her home in the middle of the night in his Dad's taxi, making me feel utterly embarrassed. That guy would do anything, everything cause she told me he is capable of everything. It gets worse, and deep inside it hurts more and more.

She has another close friend, who owes her money, doesn't think maturely with her boyfriend and breaks up with the boyfriend more than I could count. They two and her beloved ex had a crazy idea at one time to go ghost hunting. Her boyfriend just got his license and he's driving is terrible. He will miss turns when on the road, the environment is dangerous cause these kids think it's funny to call out wrong directions from the GPS to a super amateur driver like him. He borrowed a car and they got it scratched in a multi-story carpark. I was there, and was just watching these kids. And now ghost hunting? When she was having her period? To Punggol? It's obvious these people were a bad influence.

At this point, you guys should know, I don't do personal attacks, but I comment to the most out of my honesty. I put effort in complementing and correcting.

I told her after her numbers on her social media has grown, both of us gotta take care of our image. She listened at first, taking my advice in changing her image, but it slowly seem to be controlling her. It slowly seem to be me forcing her to rush to make videos. My advice seem to annoy her. She was doing fine but it seems she wasn't that passionate and would learn my guidance. She didn't want the fame. I wanted her to be the best put of her capabilities. 

But never knew our relationship would have a new ingredient, violence. And guess who introduced it? Slapping and humiliating me in the bus. Tearing my shirt cause I was too humiliated and wanted to walk away.i didn't hit her at that time. Her reason? I annoyed her. Wow. How bout my reason for hitting girls? No reason. And when girls slapping guys in daylight, it a bus which is filled, it's okay cause she's annoyed? Wow.

For the people out there telling me, "act big, actor so what" or what "career", it shows you still feed on your parents' pocket money and are basically not aware that you are able to earn from what you are passionate in; performing and social media shit. Social media is powerful. And it's where I feed myself. Not like people who get attention from chiobus and get a few retweets. Fucking stupid.

Now all of you see that "guys shouldn't hit girls". Yes. No reason for such things. But what these people, who apparently "care" for her, thinks spreading it and bringing me down will solve things serve fucking "justice". How bout' the fucking threats? Justice league?! Look at her now. Look at me now. I am crushed. I admitted. Is she better now? Walking comfortably in the public? Feeling the fame? Come on! I hope your justice is prevailed. Waiting for one of us to commit suicide? Is that it? Then justice will prevail?

 Once again, I am not covering my ass, but I was trying to control the situation. Then it got worse because relationship between two must be between fucking two! Make up or break up, easy! All problems in life, can't solve, control it. I am shattered, crushed, and fucked when I saw the bruises right after. How much guilt and hate I have in me. 

And it gets worst, when the whole Internet gets involved, gangsters making me feel in danger, in shame, fucked up, it's everywhere, I can't bring my head up to walk in public or walk alone, all gone and I should be doing the same thing to YOU, dangling my legs on the top of the building and this time let YOU get fucking traumatized, how bout' that?! How about I cut my fucking self, doing whatever you have been doing, scarring and bruising not my face, but my fucking mind. With those intimacy and importance of your ex, letting this jealousy be UNSOLVED like all of my  discomforts, allow that shit just comes like a snowball. But NO! No guys should fucking hit girls you say and apparently nothing else matters. 

Once again, I know my mistake, I am crushed, she is crushed. You guys finally did "justice" and I am not covering my ass and saying whose at fault.  

My point is to
- it's a problem between 2, not 3, not the whole singapore

I still love her. Every single one asking me to leave her.

For her, I don't know. And to those people who don't really need to get involved but just tweeting about me to get retweets, I'm glad I could help with the RTs.

I love you. I am sorry everyone.




Friday, July 19, 2013

Afraid

I am trying to get use to blogging. I wanna appreciate blogging as much as I love to make videos. But when I comes to writing, I intend to be very personal, very detailed and sometimes too emotional. But I guess I will just stick to it despite feeling uncomfortable sharing so much.

I am afraid.

Afraid of losing people. These few days, I have seen many people, passed away. I know every second, someone on us this world will have to go. But it has been big emphasis on the social media platforms. Even people I don't really know or have met, I feel so much for their loss. Sometimes I wonder, what happens if next would someone that means a lot to me. That fear haunts almost everyday. And to make myself a little better, all I can do is to try and appreciate everyone's presence. Be it my Mom, my Dad, my siblings, my best friend, my girlfriend, my fans, a security guard, anyone. Every single person means a lot to me. It's never a right to say goodbye. And I can't possibly prepare enough to overcome such painful loss one fine day.

Afraid of being judge. I always tell my bro Jianhao, how in the canteen back in Secondary School, during recess, I would sit alone. Anyone who would wanna sit with me would be welcomed. But I never had that "clique" or best friend. There were nice friends, but the differences in our lifestyles could not make us as close as I am with Jianhao. People lepak together, watch movie and all. But me? I can't. I must say cause I am too poor. Not that cool. Yes, the whole school know that I am a performer. But they don't know how free and happy I am only when I am on stage. My family background weren't very nice too. And I was just not confident of myself to fit in anywhere.

These 2 fears, are things I am trying my best to overcome it but it still scares the shit out of me still. Yes, cockroaches and heights scare the shit out of me. My pain tolerance is damn low, and I cry almost as much as I laugh. But to be judged, not able to live by people's expectations, it kills me slowly. Even my biological dad look down on me. And till this very day, as much as I put effort based on my limitations, some people just have to bring me down. Insult me so much. And I don't want to lose anyone of you, although we have never even met. I feel a lot for Cory from Glee, I have no idea how his girlfriend is coping. I went to Taiwan to watch JJLin's concert. He sung a few songs and one of it he dedicated to his grandma. And the next thing you know, a few days later, she passed away. It hurts. Sometimes I rather die first than to overcome such losses. I am not being suicidal, but it is less painful than to see one by one, those you love, just go forever.

I am very afraid. But I know, fear helps to realize which part of you that you gotta work on. Which points to work on to be stronger than you already are. I am afraid, but I will make it. Cause that's what life is. You were born with no fear, learning to walk and not being scared even a bit to fall. To get hurt. Yes you just cry, but if you have belief, then belief shall pick you up and comfort you. And eventually you learn. Fear keeps my adrenaline running. Stress before going on stage? Stress before going on a competition? That is what all the other champions and legends felt before victory.

So tell me what you feel? What is your fear? Be proud of it. Tweet me ;)