So right now, I am finally serving my National Service. I must say, I am still trying to accept the fact that its my responsibility, just like other Singaporean sons, and it would be good if I take pride in it, instead of being so bitter about it. Been a shitty week before enlistment. To top it up, my parents didn't send me to the enlistment. It was my bro, Jianhao. Damn weird, damn sad but also damn touched. Jianhao was talking to me like a dad, asking me "get familiarise of the place" as he sat beside me as th bus drove in the camp. Laying low is not easy, even when my funky hair is chopped off. Thanks to the army theme movie that most of the people who knew me from, I have tons of attention, which most of them are unwanted. Yes, at that time, that very moment, I couln't embrace it. It was horrible. I admit, ever since that incident "Ah Boy To Men actor hit girlfriend", I can't take pride in my work. I can't look up in the public. At first, all those attention I usually get from the movie and Youtube videos, that was already too much for me. I am shy, as much as I seem to be thick-skinned and outgoing. It takes alot of me to be that goofy guy that can make you guys entertained. I do this for a living. To pursue what I have I am passionate in. As much I sometimes wanna give it up, I can't imagine if I had never chose this path. Really hate it when people think, I am "walking like a big fuck", "arrogant" and shits like that. Fucking hate it. And when I tell them about my humble background, how I have climbed from shits like how my degree holder father decides to throw away that relationship that they have invested in for more than a decade for our Indonesian maid, how I grew up seeing violence, how I had to mature and stand by my mom, living the hard life and people think, "OH, don't do all these then, get a proper job" or "don't ask for pityness". These people don't know shit. I know that's how the society work, but I am not giving any hesitation to put this small effort to NOT EXPLAIN FOR MYSELF, but to voiceout for those who sink into a simillar mess like me. And trust me, as much as how I hate judgemental people, I judge too. BUT BUT BUT!! I don't bring someone down, till they are so fucking close to their graves, and this was just for something that isn't pleasing to know about you you bitches. It may not hurt, annoy or do whatsoever shit to you DIRECTLY and you are NOT involved AND you don't know this shit first hand (and social media platforms are SO FUCKING NOT) but you act as if you are liable to get in this shit together, and worsen it further. Chill, think, judge and comment, but use some heart if you are the better human than the one you are vigorously bringing down.
I am fine. I am doing better. I must say I died, and now I am back stronger. It's like a bouncing ball, throw it hard dwon to the ground, it will shoot up and straight to face before zooming up to the sky. Either me and Luna together or not, I think you guys shouldn't know. Get a life unless you admire my work, you're one of my awesome #ridhwannabes , then I am fine to share with you more about me. I may not have alot of fans, I may not have a big role in the movie, the movie may not win an Oscar, but to EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU who supports me, love to know how I am doing in my lives, giving me just a bit of hope that this skinny, poor, pathetic Malay boy can make a difference in the society, I can't describe to you how thankful I am. To those fuckers who insult any of you for standing for me, you can shoot them back or whatsoever, and know I am thankful. I must say, when I succumb to all those insults, gave in to them and fuck myself up. Admitting to my large scale of audience, a mistake that I regret so fucking badly, I didn't expect anyone to have my back. Really didn't know it will turn out that way. Up till today, I keep thinking about it. I have a mind to think. I read indirect comments on Facebook, stares in public, and those daily insults I get directly when my social feed is about something totally different. Word spread to others, claiming I give "bad media" but the thing is this people just can't let go of some topic that is so hot as mine, so thank me, admire me, cause for my shit, you guys get something to write about. You haters can feel better for once, and bring someone down, lower than whenever you have always been and always be at.
I am not trying to feed you haters cause you guys will still take a bite on me either if I ignore or have moved on, but yea, I just gotta say out what's been in my mind. I am still driven, thanks to my friends who didn't pick sides, to fans who didn't lose faith in me, and to my family that will never give up on me. My passion drives me. My love drives me further. And also my brother, Jianhao Tan. Guys, don't insult her, don't be like those hooligans. We're better than that. Dont blame it on Luna. Don't insult Luna. Don't say nasty things about her please. Say it to me, but no your limits cause I don't owe you shit and you don't know in this shit.
I learnt something which is really crucial. About change..
Change is inevitable. Uncomfortable. Some have difficulty in accepting and adapting, while some never stop fighting against it.
Change is necessary for someone, as he or she changes as times goes by, to what they really meant to be.
Change someone is not possible, and shouldn't be attempted. You can touch someone, but make that change if they don't choose to. It's up to them.
Change. Meeting someone would either changing you, or you resulting him or her to change.
I will never want to change things; stop doing what I love, stop being with my bestfriend Jianhao, family, and all #ridhwannabes . NS has changed my lifestyle. Its uncomfortable, really. But I guess I have to adapt for this change. and up till today my love for Luna, the girl you guys keep mocking me with, "Eh Chris Brown" and shit.. is not gonna change and I don't want to. I am afraid it would. They say "it's us against the world". This time, I am doing it literally. Not only against those haters of mine, but to the loved ones who would never want to see another occurence of being in such a shitty state. This time, its gonna be different. Not saying we won't quarrel, but I am working hard. Some would say she is stupid, or I am stupid, but I believe pople who are not in this story of just me and Luna, and coming in like they know alot, those people are fucking stupid. So just carry on with your lives, not to late to find one.
It's already hard to feel for a girl when you know deep inside you are nothing.
It gets worse when you don't treat her well due to my emotions; jealousy and anger.
It gets worse as you realised you just fucking slapped her. Looking at the scar right after, you feel like just hurting yourself more.
It gets worse when you feel more unworthy, compared to the first time.
Worser as the whole World knows about it and starts slamming you hard.
Worser as you see gets sadder and weaker, when all you ever wanted is to make her happy.
Worser when I have to thicken my skin, destroy my ego and pride and submit myself to her for another chance to win her heart when the first chance was already impossible.
And now I continue telling you guys, either yto those who like my work, heard just my worst, or whatsoever.. I want things to get better. I want that kinda "change". And I aasking you guys, if there would be a necessary change in yourselves, handle it well. Let me at least feel I am worthy to make a positive change in your lives, even if it's a smile, or a share of this post, or just a short realisations that you guys can relate to, cause all I ever wanted is to never let my limitations and past, making a positive change within the crowd. That will never change.
P.S - I am fine. Trust me, staying just "fine" ain't my thing. Lots of love to all of you. Jianhao. Luna. Family. Friends. Ridhwannabes.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
People still can't get it.
Time is ticking. NS is near, 20th August. Now I just gotta make the best use of my time. Its Hari Raya's eve. Selamat Hari Raya to all my muslim friends. I felt it was a meaningful Ramadhan. I learnt a lot.
I wanna focus more on my family now. I realised I have been lacking in focusing on my responsibilities at home though it never slipped out of my mind. It's tiring. Juggling here and there. But as the tough get's going, the going get's tough.
I realised a new medium I am comfortable, to express myself. Writing. Come on, when was the last time I used a pen? I kinda miss school. Working life sucks trust me. But after NS, that's when I can use again these brain juice of mine. I was a geek when I was in Primary school. Studying is nice. Really! Its safe, prepare for tests and score them. In life, you won't ever imagine the surprises that can cheer you up and also surprising things that will screw you up, more surprising than a zombie apocalypse.
I will find time to write more, make videos more, do what I love and love what I do. I won't die, though I had the most horrible week in my life. But that is the most horrible period so far. There is still more to come in life. 20 is a very young age. Not an excuse to make a mistake, but I must say I have achieved a lot at this age. Not complacent, but I am humbled to where I have grown. Life is beautiful and I hate people who uses the term "FML" for the most simplest things that bring them down.
Anyways, gonna end this post with a high note. I am not okay. I am not that happy. I am just telling you, I am lving my life how its supposed to be. Selamat Hari Raya and Happy Birthday Singapore.
Saturday, August 3, 2013
For the last time, I slapped my girlfriend, there's no reason anyone should hit girls, and this blogpost is not to cover my ass. I love her.
How I fell in love with Luna.
I never knew that night, a night I thought I would regret would be a night that means a lot to me. I met you; Luna Princess. I was late, and wasn't even planning to show up because I didn't have much belief if anything would happen between us. It was a random date, and as usual; Ridhwan has always been known for one thing. Not for his fame. But him not affording almost anything. And I came there with just ez-link that has a value of $5, and trust me, that is the richest I can get on an average day. So I reached there late, and we had to take a cab. I was trying hard not to show that I couldn't afford the cab by suggesting to walk, but it is obviously ridiculous. Eventually we did take a cab, me, her, and also her friend. She paid the cab and we started the night. Not much of chance for me to do much cause her friend was a barrier between us. Not long after, the barrier was away, and interacted. It felt easy then what I expected. Despite our shyness which was shown in each others' eyes. I must admit, she was looking fine. But the most that got to me, was those eyes. Those eyes totally locked me in. And there it was that awkward question; "do you like me?", she asked. I wasn't expecting such a question and I answered "did, for now". Breaking a girl's heart was not my thing and I really did like her a lot at that very moment but wasn't trying to keep hopes too high and make it any cheesier if I would say it with "for now". And soon it was time to call it a night. Wasn't looking forward to it, and my plan was just to wait pathetically for the bus. However, from nowhere, she surprised me even more to have breakfast with me. In the cab, which I obviously can't afford, I was feeling super shy and super contented. Wasn't even worrying about how the heck Ridhwan is gonna afford breakfast! And when we got there, she bought 2 sets of Big Breakfast. I was speechless. Touched. Guilty to have expect so little from caring lady like her. We ate and I feel deeper for her. And out of my creativity and randomness, I sliced and arrange my meal into "I <3 U". I was impressed and surprised by myself. Part of me felt that my move was lame and cheesy but then again, it wasn't me. It was my heart that did that. After eating, we just drowned in each others' presence till it was time to apart.
That whole chunk you just read,
was the only thing I can recall to make me happy nowadays. From that first day with her, we dated as I get to know her, and I learnt that her Grandma means a lot to her, and she promised her that her Grandma would see her grow up and be somebody, on stage, and be well-known among the crowd. I know many thinks she was leaching on my fame, a social climber and shit, but the thing is she isn't. She didn't want to watch Ah Boys To Men because she didn't like Noah Yap. She doesn't care about local Youtubers as much as International ones. I got to know how she had a rough past, how she only had that circle of friends to depend on when she was on the edge of breaking down. And it came across my mind, to help be better, starting from her image, to dress appropriately and start making better videos.
Her videos were okay, but I wanted the best out of her. And I know what kind of videos will make it or not. I also learnt that her past with guys she dated were not nice, her friends, and she was a patient of depression. Thus, without thinking well, I felt the strong urge, that huge courage, to give her something look forward in life.
I was glad she finally agreed, after much persuasion, she took a step, became a bubbly and sweet looking girl, and I was overwhelmed. My fans now became her fans. Her videos are tremendously found well. Finally, a chance for her to shine and maybe make her Grandma proud one fine day.
I am poor. I am so called "famous" but I am from the Ghetto. I lived life the hard way. Going out to places, for my own errands, by foot. The truth os sometimes I beg for even 10cents, scroll down my contacts and call the person I am meeting with the public phone cause my phone can't call. I keep hydrating myself with the tap water and would eat a meal a day if I am lucky, which is at home. At this point, I have a lot of projects, mostly is for passion. I live up to it fully. I do anything just to follow the heart. And this time my heart wants the best out of this girl, be it how her past was horrible and so on.
I always thought from the beginning; the beginning of everything, is that I am too poor for any girl. I can't buy her meals too, don't need to go on to flowers and teddy bears. I thought if we were to have an argument, it would just be about that. But then it wasn't. I feel that I am too poor for friends, after school, watching movies and shit, wasn't my thing. Up till today, especially with my bro, Jianhao, part of me don't feel good, accepting deeds and all.
Anyway, one thing i find fucking ridiculous during our relationship is her ex-boyfriend. He was one person, that I felt was always being an unnecessary addition in this relationship of two. I have close friends, a best friend, normal friends, but don't think they should text everyday. I swear I didn't text any girls and even let her scroll my Whatsapp freely anytime. I tell her all my secrets. Plus I gave her my social media account passwords, all of them. But she thinks it's fine for her, to let her ex kiss her forehead in front of me, hold his hand, have a say in everything we do, he is always number one. I can't even imagine how I could adapted all these while, letting her hurt me even more. She claims that's her best friend, like how I have JianHao, and not discover the world with me and make new friends. And the thing is, this ex she has will do every single favor for her. Fetching her home in the middle of the night in his Dad's taxi, making me feel utterly embarrassed. That guy would do anything, everything cause she told me he is capable of everything. It gets worse, and deep inside it hurts more and more.
She has another close friend, who owes her money, doesn't think maturely with her boyfriend and breaks up with the boyfriend more than I could count. They two and her beloved ex had a crazy idea at one time to go ghost hunting. Her boyfriend just got his license and he's driving is terrible. He will miss turns when on the road, the environment is dangerous cause these kids think it's funny to call out wrong directions from the GPS to a super amateur driver like him. He borrowed a car and they got it scratched in a multi-story carpark. I was there, and was just watching these kids. And now ghost hunting? When she was having her period? To Punggol? It's obvious these people were a bad influence.
At this point, you guys should know, I don't do personal attacks, but I comment to the most out of my honesty. I put effort in complementing and correcting.
I told her after her numbers on her social media has grown, both of us gotta take care of our image. She listened at first, taking my advice in changing her image, but it slowly seem to be controlling her. It slowly seem to be me forcing her to rush to make videos. My advice seem to annoy her. She was doing fine but it seems she wasn't that passionate and would learn my guidance. She didn't want the fame. I wanted her to be the best put of her capabilities.
But never knew our relationship would have a new ingredient, violence. And guess who introduced it? Slapping and humiliating me in the bus. Tearing my shirt cause I was too humiliated and wanted to walk away.i didn't hit her at that time. Her reason? I annoyed her. Wow. How bout my reason for hitting girls? No reason. And when girls slapping guys in daylight, it a bus which is filled, it's okay cause she's annoyed? Wow.
For the people out there telling me, "act big, actor so what" or what "career", it shows you still feed on your parents' pocket money and are basically not aware that you are able to earn from what you are passionate in; performing and social media shit. Social media is powerful. And it's where I feed myself. Not like people who get attention from chiobus and get a few retweets. Fucking stupid.
Now all of you see that "guys shouldn't hit girls". Yes. No reason for such things. But what these people, who apparently "care" for her, thinks spreading it and bringing me down will solve things serve fucking "justice". How bout' the fucking threats? Justice league?! Look at her now. Look at me now. I am crushed. I admitted. Is she better now? Walking comfortably in the public? Feeling the fame? Come on! I hope your justice is prevailed. Waiting for one of us to commit suicide? Is that it? Then justice will prevail?
Once again, I am not covering my ass, but I was trying to control the situation. Then it got worse because relationship between two must be between fucking two! Make up or break up, easy! All problems in life, can't solve, control it. I am shattered, crushed, and fucked when I saw the bruises right after. How much guilt and hate I have in me.
And it gets worst, when the whole Internet gets involved, gangsters making me feel in danger, in shame, fucked up, it's everywhere, I can't bring my head up to walk in public or walk alone, all gone and I should be doing the same thing to YOU, dangling my legs on the top of the building and this time let YOU get fucking traumatized, how bout' that?! How about I cut my fucking self, doing whatever you have been doing, scarring and bruising not my face, but my fucking mind. With those intimacy and importance of your ex, letting this jealousy be UNSOLVED like all of my discomforts, allow that shit just comes like a snowball. But NO! No guys should fucking hit girls you say and apparently nothing else matters.
Once again, I know my mistake, I am crushed, she is crushed. You guys finally did "justice" and I am not covering my ass and saying whose at fault.
My point is to
- it's a problem between 2, not 3, not the whole singapore
I still love her. Every single one asking me to leave her.
For her, I don't know. And to those people who don't really need to get involved but just tweeting about me to get retweets, I'm glad I could help with the RTs.