Fuck It

I am never like this. I was never so impatient. So angry. So messed up. So aggressive. So.. messed up.

It is sad how people might think I am all that, that they would pick me as a role model, but I am not. Far from it. And I am far from who I was, 3 years ago. Or 10 years ago.

Things change me, after time. And now, I feel like I am a monster. All because of being too hurt.

I got hurt first when my real Dad made expectations on me. Then how the "cool kids" looked down on me. Then the girls who don't believe in me.. then people who just trying to bring me down.. the list gets longer and longer.. And I just get so into all these shit, trying to please them, that I lost myself.

Girls.. yes I said it, destroyed me. I give my fucking best always, but nothing I get. I get played out. Might as well I be a player, but hey, I can't. I am not a dickhead like some dudes out there. Scars.. There was the all so-infamous incident of how my ex left me, and it wasn't a simple breakup. I mean who breaks up infront of the whole Nation, and gets on the news? Then there some girls who play me out, and used me for my fame. And then there were some who utter "you are perfect" and "I love you"... but they walked away on me. Whoever you think you are, thanks, for all these shit. And I swear I couldn't cope all theses well. And I wish all you girls out there, the fucking best.

Friends, are just a handful that I would wanna keep forever. The rest are just.. I don't know, I just don't know them, despite the years that I have known them. Back in Secondary School, I didn't have cliques. I don't watch movies. I was a noob. I was not really a geek or a nerd, but I was simply not cool. Just a dude who sings, thats all.

Family.. real Dad left us for our maid. He wanted me to follow his steps, get into Raffles Institution, get a degree, but look at him? He looks down on my passion and only when I reached a certain height, he comes asking me how I am doing? Commenting how videos should be done.. like what the fuck. And then there was this great man who was deserving to be called Dad, that I dearly loved, but God took him away this year. Siblings look up to me. Mom is sick. How is this 21 year old dude, gonna support his family? Adulthood sucks.

How is this acting big fuck? How is this "hao lian"? And I am so fucking not trying to get attention, so please fuck off if you think I am. I am expressing. I keep it to myself, but I use social media to let it go.. cause nobody wants to hear these shit..

And can this mess live it well in 2015, I don't know. I am scared.
taking fine photos to post daily on Instagram. Making people laugh, but deep inside, I am a mess.

I wanna be detailed. But I can't. This post is not even 1% of the shit that has been messing my head.

I am trying my best to stay positive. I am trying. I am just afraid, the Ridhwan that everyone knows, who can do anything, sing Chinese songs, act in Chinese movies, though he is poor and shit.. one day just... I don't know, lose it. I am sorry.

Nuggets, I Will Be Waiting

I am not good at making good titles for my posts. But hey, I just need to express and here I am again.

This post is to you whom I shall not say.

I have been through the shittiest break-up in the past, and I should be the one who would be traumatised to be in a relationship. But after meeting you, I was felt courage to go for another round of pain cause you there are so perfect.

You see the best in me, when I was just nothing impressive as I describe myself from the first few times we talked. I was in fact pushing you away, but you saw the goodness that was left in me, and made me believe in myself. You made me my anger, and ego, lower by your presence. You there is the one I really never knew exist in this nasty world. Yes, I would do anything for you, to be happy and I want you to be a better person like how you bring the best in me. But how can I let go something so perfect just go? You gave me courage in me, to love myself, once again, but it seems I can't give you the courage like how you did give to me.

I am broken, really broken. To know it was all going well, but then due to fear, you gave it up. Let's just say the feelings been put aside. Will you ever come back and call me, and say that you are ready? Well I would take that slim chance. I would do anything. I wanted to spend my Christmas with you. My new year with you. My birthday with you. I am sorry I doubted your feelings. I know its real. But it frustrates me when I don't see a point where two parties are doing so well, and feeling so much genuinely, but just due fear, your fear, its gone. I can't take it. I am typing shit. I sound immature. I sound desperate, pathetic. But hey, I am still believing, I will be missing.. you. Why did it end so fast when it was never given a chance to start? Its like not wanting to live when you know there's death at the end of the road. I will be waiting for you.. I will be here for you, pinky promise.

P.S - I sound stupid. Love makes you stupid. But fuck it, my fucking blog.